Everytime I do something like that, I smile. It brings back memories. It's everything I always wanted to be and everything I have almost never been. It's everything I have never wanted to do in life, but have always ended up doing. I like to think the smile is a sign of maturity, because whatever I did that made me smile, was sheer folly!
I've screwed up. Several times at that in the last couple of months, that smile has graced my lips. I'm sorry. I wish I could go back and change everything. I look ahead. I try and see if I will learn and correct myself. I only smile again. It's really not what I thought it'd be.
I try to think through this. I was so sure I would never be like this. May be I was naive. "Nothing can shake me", I believed. Youthful bravado, I presume. I swore that whatever may come my way, I will hold on to what I dearly believe. I do, hardly.
I don't want to give up, not yet. This is the way it was meant to be. I hope. All I have is what I believe. I have no doubt. What will be, will surely be. I only want to look ahead. Not behind and see why this happened to me. I want to try. I want to be what I really wanted to be.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
When I'm sitting in the couch and singing this song, you know...
It's sitting in my head and refusing to leave me.
It happens sometimes. It's like chocolate cake. When it's there, it takes control of your life. You know you've eaten plenty today, but you can't resist some more. So even though you put it back in the fridge after 2 large helpings telling yourself, "This is it!", you just can't control yourself. You walk by the fridge a couple of times painfully swallowing the saliva that is flooding your mouth. And then by the third attempt, you say, "To hell with it, I'll go and burn it off tomorrow". So out it comes again from the fridge and you then take a healthy third helping and this time you eat it slowly so you can savor it to the very last lick. Yes, you have to lick that spoon till it is dry...
I'm sitting in my car, on my way to the doctor's office and I am listening to this song for the millionth time in the last few days. It happens sometimes. I get a new CD that has a bunch of different songs and then one in the middle hits me in the jugular. I like all the songs in the CD, but this one is special. So when I come back to this song a second time, I listen to it closely and then I play it again. A second time. And then a third and and then I don't quite leave. It's like nothing else matters. I'm so smitten by this song. The more I listen to it, the more it reaches deep in me. Soon, it's running in my blood. And of course, sitting in my head.
Ah! The chocolate cake. Why the elaborate explanation of chocolate cake? Because when I was in my car today on the way to the doctor's office, I realized I had listened to this song a millionth time and I actually removed the CD from the player and put on another one. And then it happened. I got that fateful phone call. Luckily, it didn't last long and I was free to return to my music again. But you know what I did. I removed the CD I had just inserted in the player and reverted to the one I had removed only a few minutes ago. "Loading", it said, but I couldn't wait. I was rubbing my index and middle fingers against my thumb waiting to reverse to track 16 the moment the player indicated it was ready to play the music.
And then it happened. The song started and it sent that same tingle into my heart as it did the first time I heard. This was it. This was the third slice of chocolate cake... The problem for me is, I don't stop at 3. I heard the same song tens of more times by the time I had finished my doctor's appointment, run to the grocery store, picked up my son from karate and come back home. And once I came home, I asked my son to play it on the computer. And then on youtube. We've since moved to other songs and American Idol on Fox 29, but there's this little genie in my head is singing this song to me. And I don't mind. Actually, I'm enjoying it...
It's happened all my life. It's different songs at different times. But they all have the same quality. They hit me right in the gut the first time I hear them. And then I listen to them ad nauseum. Somtimes all the way on a long drive and sometimes through the night. They inspire me and drive me. They become the moot point of my most creative work and the reflection of my deepest emotions. And it's happening now. It's chocolate cake...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GLKvl6DzDCI
It happens sometimes. It's like chocolate cake. When it's there, it takes control of your life. You know you've eaten plenty today, but you can't resist some more. So even though you put it back in the fridge after 2 large helpings telling yourself, "This is it!", you just can't control yourself. You walk by the fridge a couple of times painfully swallowing the saliva that is flooding your mouth. And then by the third attempt, you say, "To hell with it, I'll go and burn it off tomorrow". So out it comes again from the fridge and you then take a healthy third helping and this time you eat it slowly so you can savor it to the very last lick. Yes, you have to lick that spoon till it is dry...
I'm sitting in my car, on my way to the doctor's office and I am listening to this song for the millionth time in the last few days. It happens sometimes. I get a new CD that has a bunch of different songs and then one in the middle hits me in the jugular. I like all the songs in the CD, but this one is special. So when I come back to this song a second time, I listen to it closely and then I play it again. A second time. And then a third and and then I don't quite leave. It's like nothing else matters. I'm so smitten by this song. The more I listen to it, the more it reaches deep in me. Soon, it's running in my blood. And of course, sitting in my head.
Ah! The chocolate cake. Why the elaborate explanation of chocolate cake? Because when I was in my car today on the way to the doctor's office, I realized I had listened to this song a millionth time and I actually removed the CD from the player and put on another one. And then it happened. I got that fateful phone call. Luckily, it didn't last long and I was free to return to my music again. But you know what I did. I removed the CD I had just inserted in the player and reverted to the one I had removed only a few minutes ago. "Loading", it said, but I couldn't wait. I was rubbing my index and middle fingers against my thumb waiting to reverse to track 16 the moment the player indicated it was ready to play the music.
And then it happened. The song started and it sent that same tingle into my heart as it did the first time I heard. This was it. This was the third slice of chocolate cake... The problem for me is, I don't stop at 3. I heard the same song tens of more times by the time I had finished my doctor's appointment, run to the grocery store, picked up my son from karate and come back home. And once I came home, I asked my son to play it on the computer. And then on youtube. We've since moved to other songs and American Idol on Fox 29, but there's this little genie in my head is singing this song to me. And I don't mind. Actually, I'm enjoying it...
It's happened all my life. It's different songs at different times. But they all have the same quality. They hit me right in the gut the first time I hear them. And then I listen to them ad nauseum. Somtimes all the way on a long drive and sometimes through the night. They inspire me and drive me. They become the moot point of my most creative work and the reflection of my deepest emotions. And it's happening now. It's chocolate cake...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GLKvl6DzDCI
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