Trying to Clean Up - 2010 Tribute, Part 8

2 days and 2 hours to go. "I've got to clean up", I've been telling myself. I'm not talking about the clothes or books lying about. I'm talking about taking all the disappointments, the anger, the frustrations, the mistakes and the losses of 2010 and purging them. I wish I could simply take all of this and flush them down. And start anew on 1 Jan 2011.

Sometimes I think I have taken 2010 too seriously. Agreed, there's a bunch of significant stuff that I have done in this year, but may be it was just a matter of timing. I think the fact that I got my MBA this year, which I had waited for over 15 years was a big deal. And I seem to have wrapped a lot of expecations around that and pushed myself too hard on some counts.

Sometimes I feel even this whole 11 days to 11 has been an outcome of that. In 2010, I have felt this need to have more and do more. I have felt the need to prove myself and the need to possess. A highly respected friend of mine summed it up very well. "It's human nature", he said, "the more you have the more you crave". On the dot, no questions about that, I have to say.

Now that this year is winding down and the last 50 hours are all we have, I also feel the need to assess myself. "What did I accomplish this year? What have I done to grow myself as a person and in my career? What have I done for my family?". Not only to assess what I have done, but also how I have done things. And somewhere in the process, I may feel I fell short of my own expectations, which is part of the reason for the anger, the frustration, the disappointment and the mistakes.

For a moment this afternoon, I considered shutting myself out from the world for the last 48 hours of this year. To neither make nor receive any phone calls, avoid any contact with the outside world and to listen to myself, to introspect, to analyze and to understand for myself, where I am, where I want to go and how to get there.

Now, I will certainly have to run to the store, the library, the airport etc. but what I mean by no human contact is to be there at any place but not BE THERE. Strangely enough, I have certainly developed that ability, though I can't truly call that a 2010 laurel. I guess, it's just a part of me, that's all.

I'm not complaining! 2010 has been a great year. It has been embellished with some magnificient moments and I can write several stories about them. I have had some successes that I always wanted to have in life. And more. That's precisely the problem becuase now that I have seen some, I want more. You are right Arun, you are.

I'm not smart. I don't pick my battles. I go after everything. But I don't give up.
I'll clean up and I'll clean up well. I don't know what I don't know about 2011 and onward, but one thing, I know for sure: I AM MY OWN COMPETITION!