First...

I started my life in advertising! I was taught a lot of lessons in my formative years, significant among them being the one on "First Response", otherwise called "Unaided Recall". It's an old technique in consumer research used to test whether a customer has top of the mind recall for a brand when asked a question like, "What's your favorite brand of toothpaste?" See, Toothpaste was the first thing that occurred to me when I thought of this question, so that's first response...

I moved on from advertising and the lessons I learnt soon got buried in the depths of my mind. Only to be awakened by a senior sales person I worked with very briefly at a software company. He had just joined the company and someone had told him about the sales support operation I ran. So true to his caliber, he left his offices on the top floor and walked down 4 floors to come talk to me about how my operation could help him...

"We will develop a list of target companies for your territory, identify the key decision makers in those companies, contact them, explain our services and set up appointments for you to go in and sell", I said in one breath, trying to impress him. "Oh that's good", he said, "you'll save me the effort of cold calling", he added, reducing my life's work to 2 insignificant words. My first response was the urge to hit him, but instead, I buried my face in a pillow that night and cried...

"It's great that you make these appointments, but do you classify them as Hot, Warm etc?", he asked. I requested him to explain that better (obviously we weren't doing that but admitting that was not going to be my first response)...

"So", he went on, "you call all these people and pitch our services and let's say, it takes you 5 calls before you can get an appointment with someone, then that person probably gave you the appointment just to get you out of his hair. Say you got the appointment in 3 calls, there's still a chance that he is just being nice to you, but there is an equal chance that he wants to hear you out. That contact is Warm. And then, there is that person, who gets your call from the cold, his ears perk up when you pitch him and he gives you an appointment, right there, after just a few questions, now that is Hot! That is the guy I want to go meet more than anyone"...

Enough said, this senior person didn't even stay in the company for long. Before we knew it, he didn't see eye to eye with the top brass and left. But he left such a great first impression on me that I have never forgotten him or that first meeting in many many years...

History repeats itself and this lesson was reinforced to me as recent as yesterday, in a sad way. An Uncle of mine had recently gone down with Parkinson's. I wasn't aware of this until I recently decided to pay him and my aunt a surprise visit. I was obviously disheartened to see him bed-ridden, unable to talk or even comprehend who I was. I have a particular fondness for him. When a few years ago, I went to seek his blessings as I was relocating to the US, he gave me a picture of Shankaracharya, the revered Hindu saint, which I framed and hung on a wall in my home...

I didn't have much time on hand that day but I promised my aunt I would come back and spend at least a couple of hours with him one day, soon. I never did and yesterday, he passed away. I was filled with regret for not having spent the time I promised to spend with him, but consoled myself that at least, his suffering was over and that the picture of the saint on the wall would serve me his memory for long...

I called my aunt right away. It was the least I could do. I don't know why but my heart began racing even as her phone rang. Her son picked up the phone. I told him how sorry I was and he told me that this was best for all as my uncle had suffered enough. I felt a little better. Then he asked me if I wanted to speak to my aunt and I said yes. My heart went still for the few seconds as he called out to her and told her who was calling even as he passed the phone to her...

"Hello", she said. "You said you would come back to see him, but you never came"...

In the next 5 minutes, she said a lot of things. She asked me how my wife and son were, she repeated that he had suffered a lot and that this was best for all. She even consoled me (funnily) that it was good that I had paid them that surprise visit, lest I hadn't seen him at all and signed off in her motherly way asking me to take care...

But only her "First Response" will keep ringing in my ears every time I see the picture on the wall...

What Women Want! A Professional Point of View.

If you have not seen the Mel Gibson, Helen Hunt starrer, I highly recommend it. I liked it (to say "it's good" is presumptuous).

Just to give you an insight into the movie itself, a man who makes his living in the world of advertising (that's another reason I love this film!!!) suddenly starts hearing what women around him are THINKING (not saying, mind you). And then goes on to create an advertising campaign that is a great hit for a women's product and goes on to woo his own boss who he has fallen for and in the process learns a few lessons about life. Super screenplay, funny in parts and the necessary emotion at the end. But this is not a review of What Women Want.

This is another perspective. I think about it. Is an advertising person the right one to crack the code on the single most challenging puzzle that has haunted all men since ADAM? Remember, the hero of the movie was given the ability to hear what women around him were thinking. That does not happen in real life. So who is the right kind of professional worthy of even trying to solve this?

My first guess is a psychologist. If you are a psychologist, you could probably read a woman by her body language, 'hint' language and the "unspoken" language. I am sure that though many psychologists are up to the task by sheer qualification, most have obviously failed because it still remains the single biggest puzzle...

My next best bet is a scientist. These days scientists are able to do a lot of intricate tests. A professor from a very acclaimed institution recently told me about saliva tests. I believe it is possible to gather information about what is going on in a person's head based on the saliva collected from that person at a given point in time. Give me a minute, gentlemen. Given that the most likely way you got her saliva was because she spat at you, isn't it obvious that there is only one emotion involved here? She is ANGRY, my friend? Who needs a scientist to say that? It only helps to be a scientist if you can go one up and say WHY she is angry. I've been looking for some time, but I haven't found one who can. If you do, please send me the number!

I tried doctors and lawyers. They say you must never lie to your doctor or your lawyer. But women women don't lie (give them some credit here). They just don't say what they are thinking, that's all. If you still don't believe what I am saying, go get tickets to a decent stand up comedy show by a MALE COMEDIAN and you're sure to find material that suggests he is also still searching for an answer. Trust me, all men are...

When men in eminent professsions have failed in this quest and when neither fame nor intellect nor steely will has accomplished this onerours task, how am I to fare? I am, but a project manager. Everything I do, I do with checklists. From the time I wake up till the time I go back to bed, I run my life by checklists. So, it looks like all I can do is ask her to give me a checklist of things that I say or do, that can make her angry. And try really hard to remember the one million line items on that list...

And now I'm going to need a software professional to build a software that can hold a million lines on one sheet. Excel can't!